Babies have been on my mind lately. Not that I would want to try and have another one, but whether or not I would ever want to try to have another one at all. It’s weird, because I have always wanted a lot of kids when I was younger, but now, I’m not so sure if that’s what I want. I am so perfectly happy with my one baby boy. It wasn’t really hard when he was born, there wasn’t anything terrible that would make me want to never have kids again. It’s just, my little Adrian is what makes my day. I want to devote myself to him and only him. He can be so smart when I devote my time to teaching only him. He will have so many opportunities to do things and go places because we would be able to afford more.
I know that there are people out there who don’t believe that what I am saying is wrong, that we shouldn’t put a limit on how many kids we should have and that we should throw caution to the wind. But I have seen too many situations where parents are struggling to take care of their kids. Money is a huge issue, and I want to be able to give my son so many things! Opportunities to travel! Lessons in karate, or music, or sports!….Plus, I’m afraid that I will never be able to love another baby as much as I love Adrian. There’s nothing that compares to the happiness I feel when I hold my baby boy. My heart wants to explode.
Then again, I want a second chance at things. As some of you may know, little Adrian was created outside of wedlock…and with the way that Bodey and I were both raised, doing what we did was VERY wrong. I was given a lot of grief and was talked about badly by family and friends. I never had the chance to be excited about the little life that was in my belly. I never got to post ultrasound pictures. Or give a timeline of my belly every week. People made me feel like I had to wear the scarlet letter at all times. My husband made me hide down aisles in the grocery store so that the people that he worked with wouldn’t see that I was pregnant. That happened multiple time. I cried the first half of my pregnancy because there were important people in my life who didn’t talk to me for a month. I’m still very hurt and I feel like I will never forget the way I was treated by some people. There were women who would give me the “hmm face”… A very special look of disapproval, disappointment, judgment; that look would be found on faces of people I thought would understand the most. However, there was one man who encouraged me the most by saying just one thing, “there’s nothing negative about life.” That man’s name was Raleigh Harrelson. I would repeat to myself what he said over and over again. I still tell myself that to this day. I don’t think that he knows that he encouraged me greatly during that time. His wife was sweet and loving, and made me feel accepted and worthy. I feel like I owe them my life in a sense. They saved me from a lot of depression and could’ve ended poorly.
I want a second chance at birth. I had a c-section with Adrian when I had originally planned a homebirth. He was huge, at 11 pounds 3 ounces, so a cesarean was probably inevitable, but I still wanted to do it. I was pressured by the doctor to consent to a c-section, and the thing that made me do it was my doula, who said it’s a sign that my body couldn’t do it. I still think I can. I wasn’t the first one to hold my baby. Bodey’s parents held him before me. My parents held Adrian before I got to. I cried and still cry about that. Next time, I want to push, and have that baby put on my chest, for ME to hold. I wish I could have done it, but I guess it gives me the encouragement for having another baby. The strength to hold on and bear through the pain. I know that I can do it.
So, I’ve written all this to show you that I am still very undecided but I have a lot of time to add to my family and things can change. My body still needs to heal. I guess that y’all will have to wait and see.